Chuck Norris!

**Chefsp0t** · 5-1-08, 11:47

I got this in a forwarded email and I thought it was entertaining enough to share with you guys.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult

**Zach** · 5-1-08, 12:40

I lol'd

I haven't seen any of these before

**ragincanadian4** · 5-1-08, 14:34

There are only a few on there I've seen before.
" Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel."

That one's great.

**whitenoyz** · 5-1-08, 14:53

When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.

**Phat6InVA** · 5-1-08, 15:04

lmao..! All of those are great.

Naveen

**konigmx688** · 5-1-08, 15:09

Some new ones. Nice!!
Some of my favorites:
Chuck Norris killed 4 birds with half a stone. What? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The 4 dead birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.

Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

**Chefsp0t** · 5-1-08, 21:07

Lol, nice ones. My favorite is the first one but I'm probably biased towards anything food-related.

**tnr4life02** · 5-1-08, 21:44

if Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the Fizzle down

**Chefsp0t** · 5-1-08, 21:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by tnr4life02

if Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the Fizzle down

Chuck Norris is never late, the world revolves around him.

**Zach** · 5-1-08, 21:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chefsp0t

Chuck Norris is never late, the world revolves around him.

the SUN revolves around Chuck Norris. You better get right, or you'll get a roundhouse kick that'll send you back to the dark ages

Jordan · 5-1-08, 22:11

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a [fizzle]ing Jeep.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a [mangina] would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

Davaro · 5-2-08, 3:42

lol - these are all great! Mostly new ones for a change!

**ragincanadian4** · 5-2-08, 7:12

My favorite one is still:
"Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors."

**whitenoyz** · 5-2-08, 8:56

People tried making a vibrator that simulated sex with Chuck Norris. The Result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

**ragincanadian4** · 5-2-08, 9:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by whitenoyz

People tried making a vibrator that simulated sex with Chuck Norris. The Result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

I honestly think that's my new favorite.

5-1-08, 11:47	#1 (permalink)
Chefsp0t I carry the Ban-Pan. Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: near Philly, PA, USA Age: 23 iTrader: (1)	Chuck Norris! I got this in a forwarded email and I thought it was entertaining enough to share with you guys. Chuck Norris makes onions cry. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. Chuck Norris can drown a fish. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance." Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!” In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death. When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult
	WTB- ZE Throttle Body w/ IAC Pm me if you have one! It's getting there. Garage Cardomain

5-1-08, 14:53	#4 (permalink)
whitenoyz THOUSANDS of years ago... Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Philadelphia, PA Age: 23 iTrader: (1)	When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
	The prospect of outsized profits leads people to exaggerate their own capabilities. In their minds. They pretend to themselves that they are in control of events where perhaps they are not. And it is always one's stance upon uncertain ground that invites the attention of one's enemies. or discourages it.

5-1-08, 15:04	#5 (permalink)
Phat6InVA What-Can-Brown-Do-For-You Join Date: May 2003 Location: Alexandria, VA, USA Age: 28 iTrader: (0)	lmao..! All of those are great. Naveen
	94 Silver MX6 2.0 ATX 235K miles-replaced tranny/motor-FD's-Jspecs-HID-Fully Kitted and lowered-AVIC N1 DVD/NAVI INTRODUCING>>2008 Silver Speed3 GT

5-1-08, 21:07	#7 (permalink)
Chefsp0t I carry the Ban-Pan. Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: near Philly, PA, USA Age: 23 iTrader: (1)	Lol, nice ones. My favorite is the first one but I'm probably biased towards anything food-related.
	WTB- ZE Throttle Body w/ IAC Pm me if you have one! It's getting there. Garage Cardomain

5-1-08, 21:44	#8 (permalink)
tnr4life02 Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Gastonia, NC, USA Age: 25 iTrader: (0)	if Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the Fizzle down
	the lack of a cupholder just makes it that much more like a Ferrari "If you haven't seen the future, you haven't gone FAST enough."

5-1-08, 22:11	#11 (permalink)
Jordan Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Ft. Wayne, IN, USA iTrader: (0)	Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. Chuck Norris can speak braille.Chuck Norris can speak braille. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse. Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a [fizzle]ing Jeep. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley. Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a [mangina] would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
	'89 MX6 DX Bone Stock totaled 4/19/08 In the process of repairing totaled mx6. compnut21 fixed my MAZDA MX6

5-2-08, 8:56	#14 (permalink)
whitenoyz THOUSANDS of years ago... Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Philadelphia, PA Age: 23 iTrader: (1)	People tried making a vibrator that simulated sex with Chuck Norris. The Result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.
	The prospect of outsized profits leads people to exaggerate their own capabilities. In their minds. They pretend to themselves that they are in control of events where perhaps they are not. And it is always one's stance upon uncertain ground that invites the attention of one's enemies. or discourages it.