___Tylers Daily Car Joke___ - Page 4

**H_Type** · 9-29-09, 3:03

September 29th

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

**BShark** · 9-29-09, 3:26

^ LooooL niiice

**Chefsp0t** · 9-29-09, 9:42

Haha. I like that one too.

**H_Type** · 9-30-09, 2:53

September 30th

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

**eljan81** · 9-30-09, 10:35

That joke was pretty funny, until I realized it was a 15part joke. Having to read all they way through them was kind of lame and ruined the joke for me. The first three parts of the list would've been just fine...

Not trying to sound negative in anyway.

**H_Type** · 10-1-09, 14:13

October 1st

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

Honda ... because the apostles were all in one accord.

Funny bumper stickers for the first of the month

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

**H_Type** · 10-2-09, 10:48

October 2nd

A lady broke down on the highway in her VW BUG. Just as she opened the front hood and looked in and saw nothing, "humm she thought." Just then another lady pulled along side of her in another VW BUG and asked her what was wrong . The first Lady exclaimed " my car stopped running and I think I know why, there is no engine". The second lady said "that's alright I have a spare engine in the trunk!".

**H_Type** · 10-3-09, 8:14

October 3rd

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalizer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded!
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.
"I doubt it," said the drunk, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"

**Ben** · 10-3-09, 9:33

haha ^ that used to be one of my favorites!

**Chris6** · 10-3-09, 10:25

Thats awesome im going to share that one with quite a few people today

**H_Type** · 10-4-09, 4:40

October 4th

... What your car says about you:

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - Im stuck in the 80s and enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I have no class
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mazda Mx6- I can not afford insurance for a Rx7
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - l am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than the Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now

**H_Type** · 10-5-09, 11:01

October 5th

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF!'

**H_Type** · 10-6-09, 6:50

October 6th

A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the Day Centre coffee morning.

'Do you realise,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'

'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'

'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'

'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'

'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive.'

**H_Type** · 10-7-09, 11:09

October 7th

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

**Chefsp0t** · 10-7-09, 21:05

I LOL'd. That one was better.